<enters the tavern, a dark mist following behind, eyeless sockets scanning the tavern. Walks forward in a huddled mass, his cold presence felt by all within. He stops, turns and hisses at a small animal scurrying across the floor. The mist catches up and envelops him and for a moment he is nothing but a dark figure veiled in black smoke.>
*cough*cough* "Yeech! What the?!" <tears off the cloak he was wearing and tosses it outside, the black mist shrinking back with it through the tavern door>
"Damn, I wondered what everyone was staring at. Cursed garment salesman!!"
[Bartender] "Well, well look what the dog dug up."
"Thanks, looks like you crawled out of a hole yourself. 'smells like you've been rottin there a while too"
[Bartender] <holds nose> "speak for yourself"
<walks up, lays an arm on the bar, disconnects hip from one leg, and lays the bone on bar>
"I assume this is standard fare here nowadays?"
[Bartender] "Very funny, but that's not the first time someone's tried the ol' 'arm and a leg' joke on me."
"Aww, not as humerus as two arms huh? Get it.. humerus?"
[Bartender] "Look, do u want to order somethin or not."
"tough crowd.."
"Well, hit me with somethin light tonight. I cant hold my liquor very well if you know what I mean" <exposes empty cavity in chest>
[Bartender] "yeah, yeah. I'm not likely to serve alcohol to a minor.. a minor nuisance, that is"
"har har. Why, you had me bustin a gut.. or is that fracturin a rib?"
<Bartender turns away and walks to other patrons. Bones gets up on stage and bows before the somewhat confused audience, leaving a hat for tips on the floor.>
"Evenin, adventurers!" <silence>
"Ooh, cold reception. By the looks of y'all, I'd say I'm not the only undead one here"
<ignores the boos>
"So.. I'm fairly new to this area.. but I'm enjoying what I see so far. Does this town rock or what? YEAH! Lets give it up for Yserbius!!"
<three drunks shout and hoot enthusiastically, while most others just look around, one other person claps twice weakly>
"Before I continue, I'd like to make a shout out to my homeys back in the cano.. yo yo Sup G and masta E!! <pauses> ... say, anyone else here hail from the fiery depths of hell as well?"
<one person begins to raise hand, then looks around nervously, and lowers it quickly>
"Well, it ain't the friendliest of places, but it sure stays warm in the winter.."
<slowly Bones gets into his routine, while the still somewhat confused, but pleasantly buzzed bar patrons either drunkenly listen or go back to talking amongst themselves>
"Then there's me best friend Maxil..
Oh, Max was a riot! Had me in stitches... no, that wouldn't be quite right. More like splints wouldnt u say? hehehe
...Poor boy got osteoporosis.. the last time he told a joke, he cracked HIMSELF up! ahahaha"...
<starts to make his way from table to table, hoping to make the performance a little more dynamic>
"So.. I got lost one day in the dungeons.. the family pronounced me 'dislocated', oooh hahaha!"
<a few people chuckle>
"was quite nervous..I was gettin a little weak in the knees.. so I asked the doc.. will you.. marrow me"
"woah.. and speaking of gas prices.. *erm* I mean horse feed.. I've already spent half me limbs just to get a shot of whiskey in here, why don't u just take the rest, throw me in a pool and call me Bob!"
"so I said doc, cmon.. everyone's tellin me I need a little more backbone, isn't there something you can do about it? He said 'grow a thicker skin' first. Smartass.."
<bends finger, lights a match and puts it between the gap, leaning towards a female in the audience> "Care to smoke a joint?" ooh.. sorry, wrong generation.. altho, you know you're never too young to start..
"..so I saw my chiropractor the other day.. told me I needed a good set of tendons. I said, but I came to you to get a good 'tendin to. He gave me a box of rubber bands to 'tend with and sent me away."
"And you know.. why's it everyone whines and complains when I slash and stab them.. its like, cmon people.. its just a flesh wound! Try losin a digit sometime.."
<gets lost in his routine, forgetting one joke... mumbles to self> 'so I said 'sternum'? damn near killed 'im!.. no no no.. sacrum? damn.. what is it..'
<moves on to something else>
"After examining me thoroughly, my shrink says Im a little cranial retentive.."
<happily notices some money is collecting in his hat>
"So James says 'Bones, it can't be! Are you still... alive?'
..and I said 'dammit jim, im a skeleton not a doctor. How the hell should I know'"
<more people begin to get into the routine as the jokes fair somewhat better, or as their buzz gets stronger.. one or the other>
"The other day, I caught my friend with his foot up my wife's tailbone. I said what the hell man! I thought I told you to stop boning my wife"
<strikes a pose> "This is me getting an X-ray" <shifts position> "This is me getting an X-ray while riding a horse.." <shifts again> "This is me with no underwear on getting an X-Ray.."
"Y'know... I've never been asked if I had a roll of quarters in my pocket or if i was happy to see someone. Do you suppose its because I don't have lips?"
"So, back when I was human I told the genie.. I can't get it up anymore.. one day I'd like to wake up and have the world be in awe of my boners.. I think he misunderstood..."
<removes head and rolls it across stage and begins to talk> "Well, I guess I better stop while I'm a head.. hahahah" <grabs head, collects tips, and walks towards the door, pausing a moment>
"ooh, me aching bones.. me arthritis must be acting up again." <peers out the window> "ahh....must be a storm a-comin"
"Thank you, folks! Gnight!"
<walks out the door>
*cough*cough* "Yeech! What the?!" <tears off the cloak he was wearing and tosses it outside, the black mist shrinking back with it through the tavern door>
"Damn, I wondered what everyone was staring at. Cursed garment salesman!!"
[Bartender] "Well, well look what the dog dug up."
"Thanks, looks like you crawled out of a hole yourself. 'smells like you've been rottin there a while too"
[Bartender] <holds nose> "speak for yourself"
<walks up, lays an arm on the bar, disconnects hip from one leg, and lays the bone on bar>
"I assume this is standard fare here nowadays?"
[Bartender] "Very funny, but that's not the first time someone's tried the ol' 'arm and a leg' joke on me."
"Aww, not as humerus as two arms huh? Get it.. humerus?"
[Bartender] "Look, do u want to order somethin or not."
"tough crowd.."
"Well, hit me with somethin light tonight. I cant hold my liquor very well if you know what I mean" <exposes empty cavity in chest>
[Bartender] "yeah, yeah. I'm not likely to serve alcohol to a minor.. a minor nuisance, that is"
"har har. Why, you had me bustin a gut.. or is that fracturin a rib?"
<Bartender turns away and walks to other patrons. Bones gets up on stage and bows before the somewhat confused audience, leaving a hat for tips on the floor.>
"Evenin, adventurers!" <silence>
"Ooh, cold reception. By the looks of y'all, I'd say I'm not the only undead one here"
<ignores the boos>
"So.. I'm fairly new to this area.. but I'm enjoying what I see so far. Does this town rock or what? YEAH! Lets give it up for Yserbius!!"
<three drunks shout and hoot enthusiastically, while most others just look around, one other person claps twice weakly>
"Before I continue, I'd like to make a shout out to my homeys back in the cano.. yo yo Sup G and masta E!! <pauses> ... say, anyone else here hail from the fiery depths of hell as well?"
<one person begins to raise hand, then looks around nervously, and lowers it quickly>
"Well, it ain't the friendliest of places, but it sure stays warm in the winter.."
<slowly Bones gets into his routine, while the still somewhat confused, but pleasantly buzzed bar patrons either drunkenly listen or go back to talking amongst themselves>
"Then there's me best friend Maxil..
Oh, Max was a riot! Had me in stitches... no, that wouldn't be quite right. More like splints wouldnt u say? hehehe
...Poor boy got osteoporosis.. the last time he told a joke, he cracked HIMSELF up! ahahaha"...
<starts to make his way from table to table, hoping to make the performance a little more dynamic>
"So.. I got lost one day in the dungeons.. the family pronounced me 'dislocated', oooh hahaha!"
<a few people chuckle>
"was quite nervous..I was gettin a little weak in the knees.. so I asked the doc.. will you.. marrow me"
"woah.. and speaking of gas prices.. *erm* I mean horse feed.. I've already spent half me limbs just to get a shot of whiskey in here, why don't u just take the rest, throw me in a pool and call me Bob!"
"so I said doc, cmon.. everyone's tellin me I need a little more backbone, isn't there something you can do about it? He said 'grow a thicker skin' first. Smartass.."
<bends finger, lights a match and puts it between the gap, leaning towards a female in the audience> "Care to smoke a joint?" ooh.. sorry, wrong generation.. altho, you know you're never too young to start..
"..so I saw my chiropractor the other day.. told me I needed a good set of tendons. I said, but I came to you to get a good 'tendin to. He gave me a box of rubber bands to 'tend with and sent me away."
"And you know.. why's it everyone whines and complains when I slash and stab them.. its like, cmon people.. its just a flesh wound! Try losin a digit sometime.."
<gets lost in his routine, forgetting one joke... mumbles to self> 'so I said 'sternum'? damn near killed 'im!.. no no no.. sacrum? damn.. what is it..'
<moves on to something else>
"After examining me thoroughly, my shrink says Im a little cranial retentive.."
<happily notices some money is collecting in his hat>
"So James says 'Bones, it can't be! Are you still... alive?'
..and I said 'dammit jim, im a skeleton not a doctor. How the hell should I know'"
<more people begin to get into the routine as the jokes fair somewhat better, or as their buzz gets stronger.. one or the other>
"The other day, I caught my friend with his foot up my wife's tailbone. I said what the hell man! I thought I told you to stop boning my wife"
<strikes a pose> "This is me getting an X-ray" <shifts position> "This is me getting an X-ray while riding a horse.." <shifts again> "This is me with no underwear on getting an X-Ray.."
"Y'know... I've never been asked if I had a roll of quarters in my pocket or if i was happy to see someone. Do you suppose its because I don't have lips?"
"So, back when I was human I told the genie.. I can't get it up anymore.. one day I'd like to wake up and have the world be in awe of my boners.. I think he misunderstood..."
<removes head and rolls it across stage and begins to talk> "Well, I guess I better stop while I'm a head.. hahahah" <grabs head, collects tips, and walks towards the door, pausing a moment>
"ooh, me aching bones.. me arthritis must be acting up again." <peers out the window> "ahh....must be a storm a-comin"
"Thank you, folks! Gnight!"
<walks out the door>